Good Jokes Contest

[Mistress Crystal]

Everyone post your favorite jokes, and then after I find out how to make a poll, I'll pick my 10 favorite and we'll find out which joke was the funniest. ;)

[Juggalo]

It is very nasty so if you are offened easy do not read beyond this point.




Who is the cruelest man in the world?

The man who raped Hellen Keller and cut off her hands so she couldn't scream for help.

[eXoRciSt]

Yo mammas so fat, she asked for a waterbed at a hotel, and they out a blanket over the pacific ocean.

Your mommas so black , i shot her with a gun, and the bullit came back asking for a flashlight.

[Weavern]

Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel
found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael,look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"


God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

[Weavern]

And my follow up:

"Life's Tough Questions"

01. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
02. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
03. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
04. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
05. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
06. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
07. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
08. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
10. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
11. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
12. Is there another word for synonym?
13. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
14. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
16. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
17. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
18. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
19. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
20. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
21. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
22. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
23. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
24. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?
25. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
26. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
27. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
28. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
29. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
30. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
31. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
32. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
33. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
34. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
35. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
36. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
37. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
38. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
39. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
40. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
41. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
42. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
43. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
44. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
45. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
46. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
47. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[eXoRciSt]

omg,

funny,

but totally incorrect :help:

[Juggalo]

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.


BEST.KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE.EVAR!



Some more funny ones.



http://geocities.com/ryanjk641/Anti-Jokes.txt

[Polaris]

that was. not. funny. at all.

[Juggalo]

Yes.it.was.

[Mistress Crystal]

I like the one where the doctor walks into his patient's room, trips, and drops the baby out the window.

When he turns back to the -MORTIFIED- woman, the doctor laughs a little, and says, 'JUST KIDDING! Your baby was already dead.'

X D

[Juggalo]

:blink:

[/<yle]

/agree jugg

[Blacksand]

How is a woman like KFC?
After you're done with the legs and breasts, you still have a greasy box to stuff your bone in.

What's the difference between Justice's ass and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.

There's more, but I'll stop here.

[MVB]

Praxis's joke would be great, except Canadians suck.

Courtesy of Boondock Saints

Three men are walking through town, a Black man, a White man, and a Mexican. They come across a shiny, exquisite lamp, rub it out of curiosity, and a Djinn pops out of the lamp and offers to grant them one wish each.

The Black man says, "I want all of the Black people in America to be back where they came from in Africa, and to all be happy." So his wish is granted and he, along with all the black people in America, vanish.

The Mexican says, "I want all of the Mexicans in America to be back where they came from in Mexico, and to all be happy." So his wish is granted and he, along with all the Mexicans in America, vanish.

So the White guy says, "So let me get this straight ... all the Black people are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

"Yes," is the answer.

So the white man thinks for a minute, and says, "Hmm, ok, well, I guess I'll have a coke."

[Blacksand]

Funny! Funny! Funny!

Extra points for working in Boondock Saints.

The bible says "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord."
Ever notice a popular pr0n line is "Oh, God!" ??
Pr0n is salvation for your soul.

[MVB]

Amazing

[Blacksand]

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound .. of Demon guzzling jizz..

Anyway, I know I'm amazing.
Did anyone ever stop to think that taking communion is basically stylized cannibalism/vampirism?
This is my body, take of it and eat?
This is my blood, drink of it?
Creepy.

[NAVYSNIPE]

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you . . .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

[NAVYSNIPE]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[NAVYSNIPE]

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!



There's always a lot to be thankful for
if you take time to look for it . . . . . . . .
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt ! ! !

[P$Ü(||0]

i only know german jokes :(

[MVB]

Black, you went from saying something amazingly hilarious, to saying something inordinately idiotic.

gj

[ilia]

Old, but apparently now known enough


How to keep a Blonde busy: (look below)
How to keep a Blonde busy: (look above)

[Blacksand]

Apparently being one of the Chosen People doesn't mean you're chosen to be funny.

We love you, Ilia.

MVB - I can't come up with gold ALL the time. But read my description of Relic's new HW-ripoff in the HW2 thread. I thought it was rather funny.

[Outrageous Cheek]

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."


Yeah whoever made that joke forgot to put in that every single person there is going to be un-bearably ugly.

Mistress, that baby joke owned. I don't know why those other guys didn't appreciate it. lol

[Bentusi]

here's mine:

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[Flo]

Haha Bent !! :hail:

Good one buddy :thumbup

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizens home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87,wandersinto the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all" She asks, "What" He replies, "SEX!!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizens home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have" Old Harold smiled happily and replied,

"Parkinson's."

[Mistress Crystal]

lol Prax's cracks me up.

Here are a few of my all time favorites.


What's brown and kinda sticky?
================================
A stick!
================================


(these are jokes that work better verbally, so you may have to read them outloud to get them)

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
================================
you neek up on him!
================================
(follow up)

Now, how do you catch a tame rabbit?
================================
The tame way you neek up on him!
================================

Bad jokes are over, this one's pretty good. ;)

There are two elderly men walking quietly down the street together late one evening. The first old man, after a while, turns to the second and he says, 'You know... we're gonna die pretty soon. The second says, '...yup.'. The first says, 'I think we oughtta have one more night of good fun.' The second replies, '...What do you have in mind?'. To that, the first elderly man says, 'Well... How about we go down to the bordello and get laid for the last time.' The second says, '...Alright. That sounds fun.'

So the two old men arrive at the bordello and they meet with the Mistress. And the first man says, 'Good evening, Madame, we need two of your best!'. So she smiles and accomidates... though... in all honesty, why would she waste two of her best girls on two decrepit old men? So she sets up two seperate rooms with blow-up dolls, the men go upstairs, do their business, and leave.

On the walk home, they're continueing in silence. After a while the first turns to the second and says, 'You know... mine wasn't that great. She didn't really move, or make any noise or anything. How was yours?' The second man, who had looked rather perturbed ever since they'd left the establishment pauses for a while, then says, '.....I think mine was a witch. When I bit her nipple, she farted and flew out the window.'

[Outrageous Cheek]

Bent and Flo, those were great lol. I used to know alot of good ones...But I don't even know where to start looking for em :(

Readers Digest USED to have good jokes...Not anymore...They went down hill, majorly.

I got a true story one though....This one's about my lil cousin Joey, he was prolly like...5 or 6 when he said this.

The story goes: He and his dad were talking, and his dad was telling him about someone they knew who was getting their tonsils removed...When their discussion was about finished Joey says after a long silence...

"Dad..Did you ever get YOUR testicles removed?"

[amir]

kk people i got a few aswell =D
1.your mama's so skinny she turned sideways a disppeared.
2.your mama's so short she does backflips under the bed.
3.your mama's so pour she got so many holes in her nickers you can play connect four.
4.your moma's so pour she can't aford to pay attention.
5.your mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind.
6.your mam's so fat when god said let there be light, he asked her to move.
7.your mama's so fat she uses the ocean as a bath tub.
8.your mama's so fat she got a monster truck and turned it into a low rider.
9.your mam's so ugly she shaves her arm pits with a lawn mower.
10.your mama's so fat that japanese military attacked her cause they thought she was godzilla's wife.
11.your mama's so dum she climbed over a see through wall to see what was on the other side.
12.your mama's so short she committed suicide by jumping off the cerb.
13.your mama's so pour she uses cherio's as ear rings.
14.your mama's so dumb she got it by a parked car.
15.your mam's so dumb it said 'press any key to continue' and she looked for 'any key'.
16.your mama's so fat she used the motorway on a raining day as a waterslide.
17.your mama's so dumb she got locked in the grocery store and starved to death.
18.your mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise.
19.your mama's so fat she made free willy look like a gold fish.
20.your mama's so fat she had to get baptised at seaworld.

hope you like em.
your truely amir.

[Marb]

Yo mama's so fat, she uses a boomerang to put her belt on!

[Juggalo]

I told this joke to a girl in study hall.

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of pool.

She then replied after I was done with the joke, "Aw, she didn't get to smell the sticker."

This is %100 true.


This is my favorite joke I have heard in a while:

There's 2 muffins in an oven. The first muffin says, "Damn, it's hot in here!" The second muffin replies, " Holy shit, a talking muffin!!!"

[mOle]

LOOL! the muffin joke was funny! ahahahahaa, omg,, such funness

i dont have something to add at this point

[Weavern]

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know.

And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.

You got an "F" in sex."

[/<yle]

ROFL. Thats Classic.

[Justice]

HAHAHA.

yes it is.

[Bentusi]

Here's some good blond jokes:

Q: How do you make a one armed blond fall out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: Whats the difference between blonds and mosquitoes?
A: When you slap a mosquitoe it stops sucking.

Q: What do turtles and blonds have in common?
A: Once they're on their back, they're fucked.

Bank Robbers:
There are two bank robbers, a blond and a brunette. The brunette is the getaway driver, and the blond is the actual robber. As they drive up to the bank the brunette turns to the blond and says "Ok, You know what to do. I am only going to wait 15 minutes this time. NO MORE". The blond says ok and walks into the bank. So the brunette sits outside and waits for 15 minutes... 25 minutes... 30 minutes... Finally she hears a commotion. The blond comes running out of the bank with the safe tied to her back, with a guard despretely following her with his pants around his ankles. The blond jumps into the car. The brunette floors it, turns around to the blond and yells:

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! YOU TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[DrunkenUno]

Praxis's joke would be great, except Canadians suck.

Courtesy of Boondock Saints

Three men are walking through town, a Black man, a White man, and a Mexican. They come across a shiny, exquisite lamp, rub it out of curiosity, and a Djinn pops out of the lamp and offers to grant them one wish each.

The Black man says, "I want all of the Black people in America to be back where they came from in Africa, and to all be happy." So his wish is granted and he, along with all the black people in America, vanish.

The Mexican says, "I want all of the Mexicans in America to be back where they came from in Mexico, and to all be happy." So his wish is granted and he, along with all the Mexicans in America, vanish.

So the White guy says, "So let me get this straight ... all the Black people are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

"Yes," is the answer.

So the white man thinks for a minute, and says, "Hmm, ok, well, I guess I'll have a coke."

You said it wrong.

[Justice]

How does a vampire get a boner if they don't have a pulse?

cheers, and
-=</|awesomeparty|\>=-