Adapta Sororitas Sister Hanna Requesting Permission To Board

[Hanna]

Hello my dears,

It has been a lot of thinking and putting off this application and I am still quivering in my boots, but I am going to try and be relaxed about things and see how it goes because I do want to try and I do want to give what I can to Lone Stars most of which is just my company and in return I hope to continue to receive the kind of warm generosity that I've experienced so far. I am not good at forums so I will probably stay out of them (there are conversations going on now that I don't want to get near because they squick me bigtime and I would go off the deep end in fifteen seconds if I tried to take part in them). This she says after she has already made her first post in one of them, but that was about Starcraft so it doesn't count, I guess.

I have had long talks with Fell and Frael (heh, I could *so* write a poem) about this and y'all have been really great and understanding and I really appreciate your enthusiasm Tainted and your desire to help me out. I was in a game last night with someone who isn't from here but I guess I had played with him before and I didn't remember.

I want to say a special hello to Psy who I know from the Relic News forums and who is probably still mad at me for falling sick and going incommunicado on him when he needed me the most. I hope you can forgive me for that. But we've had good times since then and I keep nominating all your maps for the map packs and forgetting they're by you so I am going to end up just republishing your whole map pack in little bite-sized map packs by Winter. :)

Okay, without telling my whole life story (because I have a blog with like two hundred entries and I still haven't been able to get this idea across to people, so I don't have a lot of hope that everyone is going to get it in just a few sentences) I am going to try to explain what is going to be the difficulty with my being a Lone Star and also why I so desperately need it. First of all, I am physically disabled and live with constant pain in my back, hips and thighs that comes from a degenerative spinal disorder that I get from my mother and grandmother. It is progressive and will eventually sever the nerves and I will be completely unable to walk. As it is now, I can barely manage to walk more than ten feet without assistance. It is really bad, but not as bad as it is going to be next year or the year after that or the year after that. I take a *lot* of very potent pain killers and muscle relaxants and anti-convulsion medication and that manages only to slightly diminish the pain. I sleep a lot. Even sitting is painful. Playing games for me is something that drains me physically because I have to fight through the pain of sitting at the computer for long periods of time without rest. The pain killers also dull my senses a bit (probably a lot, but the next paragraph will explain why that's probably a good thing) and I have always had a bad memory but they make my memory even worse now.

So, there's that. People usually get that. They can relate somehow.

The other thing fewer people can relate to and I have my suspicions why (which I won't go into here), but this causes me a lot more problems than the problem described above. I have two identifiable mental illnesses: paranoid psychoses and post traumatic stress disorder (which can also cause paranoia and less often psychosis, so it feeds on the other illness). I mentioned that I got sick before and what happens is that when I am under a lot of pressure I can sometimes have a psychotic break and really messed up shit can happen during that, but I am blacked out during it. The last time it happened I woke up on the floor staring at the boots of an EMT who I guess I had let into my apartment somehow. I have little glimpses of it, but apparently it was bad. What I remember was bad. I thought I was dying, couldn't breathe, was screaming and banging on the floor. My wrists ached for weeks afterwards. So, I cannot handle stress at all. Even small doses of it are really bad for me. I have not left my apartment (not even into the hall) in six months. Confrontation is hard for me because of issues related to the PTSD (which is a whole huge thing I'm not going to go into) and it also causes stress, so I am really bad at resolving differences with other people. I don't take criticism well (same thing as above). I am in all ways I can think of a horrible person to be around. (Oh, and I have extremely negative self-esteem.)

I was thrilled as punch that people asked me to apply to be a Lone Star. Y'all have been so fun to be around and have been so nice to me and I hope it isn't just a recruiting tactic (which is why I didn't apply right away because I wanted to make sure) but it doesn't seem to be. You all seem to be kind to other people and genuinely fun to be around.

I need that so much. I am desperate. I crave human (or cat or dog) companionship, friendship, love, bonding, intimacy. Because I am so difficult to be around, I have lost so many friends. Some because of bigotry, some because they remember me when I was strong and can't bear to watch me wither away, some just because people drift apart. Because I can't leave the apartment, I can only go to people online for that.

So, here I am. Warts and all.

(Though, I don't have any actual warts. I do have moles. But they are cute. Some people can have too many moles, but I think I have just the right amount.)

I've talked with Fell about all of this and he said that I would still be welcome and that I was welcome to apply and that The Lone Stars would do their best to accommodate me. I know it's not as simple as that, no matter how well intentioned and I fully believe that Fell has the most pure intentions. I have been in many different gaming groups all made up of people just as kind and fun and well intentioned and it always ends horribly. I am ultra-super-sensitive and will find offense in the most innocent remarks. It usually escalates from there because my level of trust goes down and down and I start to see conspiracies where they don't exist. (The other problem is that sometimes there are conspiracies that do exist and I see *those* too and it is impossible for me to tell them apart.)

The one thing I need to get across is that I have been in therapy for ten years or more and I cannot be cured. I take medication to deal with the stress which is enough to keep me from losing it when I am alone and not interacting with other people (because I will make up things in my mind even if I am alone and am getting no outside interference), but in any even slightly stressful situation (and for me, that is most every situation) the medications aren't enough to keep me calm.

I probably shouldn't be playing violent video games.

But I love Dawn of War and Neverwinter Nights not because they are violent, but because they are something beautiful to me. A way to be strong again, like I was, to do what I can't do anymore. I live out my life through them because I don't have any other options anymore.

The one thing I need to get across is that I try so hard to be strong still. Inside and out. I believe that I still am strong, but within a set of goals that to most people would seem to be ridiculously easy to attain. I am just trying to survive each day, to live to see tomorrow. As long as I am doing that, as long as I am not giving up hope, than I am succeeding. I am strong. I am most likely never going to be cured. As I get my physical defects from my mother my mental illness I get from my father and he is... well, he is very very sick. It breaks my heart that he is getting no care at all. Though whether getting no care at all compared to getting the miserable care I get from the modern-day out-patient insane asylums, I don't know who is worse off.

It's important that I say that no one here is going to be able to cure me. I wish it were true. Maybe a miracle will occur, but it won't happen through any kind of pressure and what might be entirely innocent on your part is something that is really really bad for me. So, it's really best that people don't try. If it is going to happen, it'll happen. Let's not force it. Not even a little bit.

That's it. I'm done.

Can we play some games together?

Love,

Hanna

[Shackled Phoenix]

Though, I don't have any actual warts. I do have moles. But they are cute. Some people can have too many moles, but I think I have just the right amount.

In other words, she looks better than Cindy Crawford could ever be. :)

Welcome to the forums hanna, i've heard alot about you and been looking for you in DoW so i could get to know ya better.

Since i'm pretty sure you'll make alotta friends here in TLSC, you keep on holding strong, we'll keep making sure you have some fun!

By the way, in DoW i'm known as {TLSC}Quesela.

[The Fell Hand]

I'm pleased you decided to apply. Obviously I can only promise that we'll try our best, and I hope things work out, even if only for awhile. If there are skeptics, please contact me, and we can discuss things. I'm not sure I could be Fell and we could be TLSC if we didn't even try, no? I would like to think that TLSC is the perfect place for someone like hanna that just plays for that little slice of interaction with people on a casual but curt basis. I hope we can be great for her guys...

I -will- be hearing what everyone has to say on this, for the sake of both parties' and hanna's safety. So even if you don't come talk to me, in the near future I'll be talking to you.

[Mistress Crystal]

WElcome to the forums baby cakes. ;) I've seen nothing but a stellar, super duper fun attitude. Can't wait to catch her online again.

[Hanna]

Thank you everyone. I really just want to have fun and y'all have been the funnest people I've met online (at least in an organized -- yet chaotic "And it's a good thing!" -- way) and I wouldn't apply if I didn't want to be a part of that.

I want the interaction. I want to make friends.

I think I might have left that out in my feeling the need to be up front about my being so messed up.

But really, I'm fun. Really. :)

And I think we could all have a lot of fun together, even if I don't get accepted. Because I don't want to be someone who causes trouble. So, if it's a problem, then just don't accept me and I can still play with the people who want to play with me right?

So, now anyone who wants to contact me can email me (address is on the blog) or MSN me (what the heck does "MSN" stand for, anyway?) or find me in one of the GameSpy lobbies of Dawn of War.

I just want to have fun with other people, that's all. I hope that we can do that whether I'm a Lone Star or not. I wouldn't be any good in any of the organized matches you play anyway, so that's not even an issue.

Thanks for letting me know what your GameSpy name is, Phoenix. :) You say hi if you see me, I'll say hi if I see you. :)

I've been missin' my daily Booty and it's no wonder cause you been playin' Starcraft the whole time you Retro-Gamer you. ;) Come play Dawn of War with me! That way you get to say you spanked me all night and I loved it. :)

For some reason I haven't seen anyone online last couple of days. But I still don't have all the names of people remembered (and prolly won't ever, so please don't take it personally if I forget). I just sort of look for the TLSC in brackets and if I don't see anyone, I just play a game with some strangers (but I did get to see some other mappers and we played one of his maps that he's been working on for ages and ages and it's finally final and he's pretty happy about that and it's a really fun map, too) and then leave. So, I prolly miss everyone because I don't stay online for very long.

I'm surprised I met so many people in such a short time.

It must be destiny, right?

Love,

Hanna

[Bentusi]

You win the award for longest application (sorry, not going to be arsed enough to read it, you don't need my rec anyway), and you look like your going to try and beat out Karmashock from his "longest average post" title

[ilia]

Mm..

Welcome to the Forums, Hanna from Relicnews ;)

GL on your application.

[stats]

sound like a tres interesting chapess hanna. Look forward to gaming with you. GL with ur app

[MVB]

Long, honestly open application. Ummon would send me a pm complaining, but he's not here anymore now is he?

Good luck with the application. I spend most of my gaming time in WoW these days, so you'll not be needing my rec; if there are any problems which arise, Fell, let me know.

Hanna, I will say this --

TLSC has people here who can be very abrasive, even in a joking way ... if you are not prepared to handle at least some intentional or accidental razzing on occasion, this may NOT be the best place for you ... the internet IS the internet, and people ARE people, so that's always a risk. That being said, TLSC is populated by MOSTLY great people, and I'm sure you'll find plenty of good as well ... just a warning that things won't necessarily be perfect.

Oh, and since you like NWN, if you ever get WoW let me/us know and come game w/ us.

[The Fell Hand]

Aye, well spoken MVB...she's had quite a lot of experience with this (albe them failed past experiences so she says), so I'm sure she knows we can't really promise anything. It may be tough, but I'd really like to see our div at least try...It'd be a sad day if we couldn't do at least that.

[stats]

Also, another plus with being in TLSC is;

when you get board, if you stand infront of the mirror and say MVB 10 times, he will apear before you...

Granted he may stick a butchers hook through your back and gut you like a fish... But never the less, its special.

[MVB]

I didn't gut you.

[stats]

I didn't gut you.

...fascinating

[Flo]

Heh ?? I tried that !! Why did MVB not appear before me ?? :disagree:

Welcome Hanna !! :hail:

I hope you feel at Home here Girl. :thumbup

[Hickory]

So Hanna, is it true that the way you all predict the wether in Seattle is by looking to Mt. Rainier? If you can't see Mt. Rainier that means it's raining, and if you can see Mt. Rainier that means rain is on the way. ;)

[TaiNteD]

Wow...now THAT was a LONG application. Well, I know that you are a great person and I look forward to gaming with you more often. I'm always on [TLSC]Tainted or [TLSC]Blade. Hehe. Good luck with getting in. And in my opinion, you are just another human being, not disabled, not insane, just human. Everyone has their flaws, whether you can see them or not. You deserved to be treated like a normal human being and I promise, if someone gives ya' a hard time, I'll smack em' upside the head with a rotten trout for ya'. ;) :thumbup

[1kn0wfear]

Awww tainted has a new crush :P jk wit ya :)

[laserflip]

All we can do is try - try to make our honest beliefs and feelings have some form of merit on this TLSC site. And although I realize that it will fail in the long run, no matter how many reasons I provide, here is my try:


Neg recced. Fell, AIM me about it.

[Hanna]

Hey, everybody!

Thanks for your support and for having the traditional funnin' in the application thread. :)

Hickory: You know? I have never ever even heard of that saying! But I know I have been rained on pretty hard when the skies were sunny and clear (but it's cool, cause you get to see the rainbow like right then and there and it is always huge and double or triple and amazing!), and during the winter (usually, but not this year, we had a horrible lack of rain and snow in the mountains which means we will have a blistering drought this summer. :( ) it is every day for week after week after week battleship gray clouds hovering about fifteen feet over everyone's heads and that is why we are the suicide capital of the world (we're not really, there's a bunch of other cities just as bad -- we just have more bridges to jump off of, maybe), but it won't rain, it just won't rain and the clouds are everpresent and bearing down.

It's probably why everyone here drinks so much coffee and beer. The first year I moved here it was so bad, I almost fell off my bike one day when I realized just what it was that was bearing down on my soul. But after that, I sort of got used to it and I *did* move here because I *like* rain. The only thing I miss is thunder and lightning which is as rare here as snow (we get maybe one rumbly thunderclap every year, and we get one pitiful snowfall every year). Also, we don't have any fireflies/lightning bugs. I grew up in the midwest, so I miss huge turn-the-sky-green tornado-warning thunderstorms with thunder that would rattle the windows and fireflies that filled the fields behind our house with their mating calls and they seriously rivaled the snowy road in the sky for sheer hope-in-the-dark-of-night beauty.

But here the cherry trees bloom early, they are in full bloom now and the blossoms are starting to fall and cover the ground and it is more beautiful than any snowfall. That's what it looks like in the courtyard that is out my window between the condos and the apartment building I live in. We have five squirrels that live back there, it's like a whole ecosystem.

Flo: Thanks for the wonderful chat last night on MSN (I still don't know what that is supposed to stand for, but maybe it has something to do with MSNBC). I totally forgot to mention that I like your avatar the best of all! We'll talk more. :)

Tainted: Thank you, Tainted. There's always a fine line between asking for pity and asking for help. Sometimes I don't know which side I stand (heh) of it. If we all just treat each other with decency and a level of politeness then there's never any need to categorize people and you've always been decent and polite with me. Your tutoring is more fast-track for me than maybe for others, so it was a quite intimidating. Yet, you've been a great help to my game like I mentioned to you last night. (I never play one vs one's because I don't like hurting people's feelings and whenever I win I hurt people's feelings it seems, and whenever I lose I hurt people's feelings because I didn't put up a good fight. What a bunch of whiners!) Maybe we should start a "QuickStart Is For People With Bad Breath" campaign? I'm sorry we didn't get to play last night but we will soon enough, I hope. :)

MVB: Thank you. :) I am pretty sure that things are going to be rough. They already have been. Even conversations with people that I really like and see often are kind of difficult for me to navigate. But on balance I find that happens with pretty much everyone which is why I put so much effort into the whole warning thing in the first place. I know my time here will probably be short and brutal, but I'd like to make the best of it and hopefully have made some friends in the process. I haven't made a lot of effort to mention what I bring to TLSC because I don't have a lot to bring except myself and some people find me fun to be around and some people find me tedious. I try to be a good listener, I try to be a good friend, I even try to be a good player but I probably do a better job at the first two than the latter even when I am not always perfect at the first two. I just can't give up on trying because that's the end of me. So, I'm trying and whether I make it or not isn't really the point, it's the act of trying and the holding out of hope that is more important than what happens at the end. We all suffer loss. I am well prepared for negativity, hate, rudeness and worse which is the whole problem. Opening myself up to the possibility of rejection, of hurt, of playful razzing that sometimes hits too close to home; doing so may or may not make me stronger in the end, but I know that to not even try is to fail before I've even started. I choose not to give up. I don't expect to be treated any better, in fact, I expect to be treated worse. I'm a big girl and I know the risks I take and I spent a long time deciding if this was the right thing to do, finally deciding it was, and so here I am. In the end, it doesn't really matter if I become a member or not, it matters that I tried. It matters that in order to become a member I need to meet people and try to befriend them. So far, things have gone swimmingly. Rough water, but I'm not drowning yet.

A double-secret goal for me is to learn my limits so I can turn off the computer and deescalate my demons. So often I strong-headedly refuse to leave a game because I have just as much right to play it as anyone else and I won't be bullied and pushed out of it. Discretion is the better part of valor, they say, and I'm finding that helpful as I learn it's okay to leave a game hosted by a white supremacist clan and just move on. It's not easy for me. But I just can't give up, I just can't.

I see my reputation precedes me. Hello, Ilia. :) I hope we get to meet soon to chat and play some games. I don't talk quite so much in games or the game lobby as I do on forums, but I don't think I'm boring to talk and play with either. At least, I try not to be. :)

Thanks for the award, Bentusiguru. :) I will put it on my mantelpiece alongside the one I got from Relic News. :) I really don't try, though, I don't know how they end up being so long. I'm more confused how the hours just seem to slip by while I'm writing. No matter how short a note I sit down to compose. I guess you prolly will miss this as it is turning (despite my best efforts) into another long post, but thank you for taking the time to stop by and hold a brief awards ceremony. :) (Here's hoping I'll be here long enough to make more posts to challenge Karmashock for more awards for my mantelpiece, though I could actually drop out now and I'd not have to worry about my average at all. :) )

Thank you for your neg recc, laserflip. I don't know what your reasons are, though I could (and probably will) sit and guess what they might be out of the many many possibilities. I'm quite sure I don't want to hear them and I thank you for keeping them between yourself and Fell. I am not trying to force myself on the Lone Star culture and have made that very clear from the beginning. Whether I become a member or not isn't so much important to me because I will likely not be using the forums (I can barely keep up with my blog and Relic News) and will most likely be on the sidelines cheering on the team as they play against the mighty (*snort*) Dawn of War clans so I don't really have anything to offer other than my companionship and people are more than welcome to avail themselves of that whether I am a member or not. I heartily encourage y'all to be my friends. :) I think the biggest argument against me is that I really don't bring anything to the table other than my personhood and I don't think I am any better than anyone else. I'm just as accessible to folks as a "Forumite" and someone to look for in the GameSpy spam rooms if you want to talk with someone or need an extra player for a game.

Maybe I can apply to be The Lone Star's Biggest Fan who isn't a Lone Star. It doesn't much matter to me. I don't long to read the secret forums. Unless there are membership benefits I haven't heard about (is getting spanked by Misty a membership benefit, because if it is, then I will just have to try harder on this application thing) then I am just as happy having y'all as friends and not being an official member.

A rejected application might be beneficial to me, in that it would stop the process while I am still strong and friendly with folks and I get to say that I tried my best to do something that was very difficult for me and whether or not I succeeded, it's the trying (as I said above) that is the more difficult part of the process. Nobody likes rejection, certainly not I. But it would make things nice and easy on everyone. We are just here to have fun and play some games. Nobody wants a bunch of drama, it just wastes perfectly good time we could be using to have fun together.

Whether I'm accepted or rejected, I'm here for anyone who wants to hang out with me. I'm not worthless, no matter how many times I tell myself that I am.

Thanks Stats! :) As for the other thing, I'll try that out right away!

Aeieiiiiieeeiiiii!

*gurgle*

*thunk*

R.I.P.,

Hanna

*rises from the dead to haunt the living and eat some brains*

Heh, I found the limit on how long a post can be. Went 2000 characters over it, too. I am *so* getting that trophy. ;)

[stats]

I wouldn't say you have nothing to bring to the table hanna, and i wouldn't say it matters weather you bring super mad skills. You bring yourself, a player for the team etc blah...

Dunno, you sure as hell can write.

I would recc you from your last post, but i dont think that is appropriate because:

1. I've always believed you dont know someone online until you have played them and i will always stick to that.

2. I have only owned DoW 2 days and i'm not sure if i class myself - or if anyone else would class me - as a div member.

3. Based on 1 and 2; getting in on merit of my recc would hurt you more than help you.

But i expect/hope i will get the opportunity to game against/with you at somepoint over the weekend and i look forward to it.

[Hickory]

I'm in the same boat as stats.
1. I haven't played with you yet.
2. He's new to this game. I'm new to (TLSC).
3. You have a wonderful gift of writing. I don't read much now, but your reply about the weather reminded me of reading back in school. Lot's of interesting, descriptive words. :nod:
BTW droughts suck. We've had our share here in CA. You'll get your rain back i'm sure. ;)

[Hanna]

Let's play games! :D :D :D

That's what the most important thing is. I appreciate that you have some desire to recommend me, but I'd rather we just play games. It's all up to Fell anyway, isn't it? So, let's play games and have some fun and play some games and have some fun with Fell and it's all good. :)

The end. :)

Love,

Hanna

[laserflip]

its not all up to fell, its up to the members of TLSC and the division to be honest. and if this is not 100% so, we have a real problem.

[Mistress Crystal]

Fell is the CO, and he gives the approval, Laser, you know that.

His approval -is- based on the members of the community, and their reactions, of course... but he does give the approval.

I can already see where this is going, if you don't get your way and she is allowed in, there's going to be trouble... but remember that his approval is based on the entire community. You're 1 person out of about 20. Your opinion is heard and listened to, but if 19 out of 20 say yae, then there shouldn't be a question that that's what the community wants. :)

Can't wait to see you again, Hanna.

[The Fell Hand]

@stats and hickory: It doesn't have to be an official rec, most aren't anymore...And yes, admittedly you're new around here, but that in no way means your say has no value to it. If you game with hanna, I'd certainly like to hear about it. Stats, what's your new nick btw?

@laser : Hmm, concern noted...although if you've had a gander at all the other applications, I've been quite thorough and observant in those. I always take the time to ask at least a dozen people about the new applicant, and I won't go ahead if there's strong opposition. Such is the new system. If this doesn't bode well with you, take it to the higher ups if you think there's a better way of doing it. For now if we're debating the system, let's keep it out of Hanna's app please :(.

@Hanna : I really appreciate your honesty and rest assured I'm trying to make the best decision possible here. I know life has been more difficult for you than most, and I can empathize with taking the low-road. However I'm thinking TLSC is friendly enough to give it a go, and idealistic enough to try even though you say the past has brought nothing but failure. Life's like that, and although i know I'm speaking for myself, I'd hope others feel the same way. I always look out for what's best for the div though you guys, so I hope you'll all give me your input and I can likewise use it to figure out what's best.

[Hanna]

We'll talk online, Fell. Play some games. Hopefully I'll get to meet some of the folks here who I haven't yet met. Everything'll be okay. There's no rush, it's only been three days since I've applied. Plenty of time for introspection and getting palsy-walsy.

I really, really don't want to cause trouble. If this is going to cause trouble then I can graciously bow out, it's not going to be a big issue. I can still play games with y'all, right? That's all I really want. I can be the girl next door instead of family. I'll bake you cookies and borrow your arc welder and forget to return it for months.

I really appreciate everyone's support and I hope to see all my special friends tonight and make some new friends!

Love,

Hanna

[The Fell Hand]

The arc welder stays here though...*pats it*.

See you online :)

[DrunkenUno]

Jesus christ how could anyone be assed to read those posts.

[Frael]

hey hanne ^^ good to se you here.. hope all goes well with things :)
but hmm seems to do fine :D
so.. se you online... here dow.. anywhere ^-

[The Fell Hand]

Things have been going quite well, although as you said hanna there's no rush. You've probably met about half of us, and last night was quite some fun :). Hope to see you around some more :D

[Frael]

yea last night was fun... ^__^ fun gamin :D
hehe...

[The Fell Hand]

:confused: Maybe I mean this morning, didn't remember you being there...Tainted wanted to see a good ork vs sm matchup but...dibs went to his g/f and j00 were absent.

[Frael]

i think i went to bed... i dunno.. must remember im gmt+1! ^^ hehe.. just a latenighter.. haha... but i played with u and hanna... ? ! :P

[Hanna]

I got to meet Dib and some other folks (I'm sorry, I'm *really* bad with names and I only remember Dib from Invader Zim, though Dib doesn't get his name from Invader Zim) that I haven't met before and all was fun. I'm sorry that my internet got cut off late in the night.

I know you were there, Frael, cause I do remember talking with you. Maybe for a while and we all said goodnight to you and went on with our business of watching some truly brutal one vs ones on observer maps.

I think that's the longest amount of time I've ever spent playing Dawn of War to date. I'm completely burnt out and will prolly be absent for a while, trying to recover. I couldn't even read most of what people were saying about half-way through the night as my eyesight went all blurry and my body was screaming in pain.

Plus I have some issues I need to deal with, so I'll prolly be away for a while. That and I need to spend some time re-learning the mission editor so I can start making maps again.

Thanks to everyone for the fantastic time last night. It was great to meet all of you who I haven't met before and see some of the people that I don't get to see so often. It's going to take me months before I even start to remember the names of all the people I've met and if that's only half then we have a long road ahead of us. Which is fine because I'm having fun meeting people and playing games together.

See you all soon.

Love,

Hanna

[Frael]

okay.. well hopes all goes well and u get ur things sorted out!... till we meet again ! take care ;)

[TaiNteD]

Err...what Frael said. :P

[Bentusi]

I'm going with Drunk on this one.

No offense, but I'm not going to read any post over a paragraph.

[Shackled Phoenix]

Hanna, Good luck with the App again. Hopefully we'll get a chance to play together real soon.

[Dibujante]

deleted

[Weavern]

Play nice people, if you're going to tear each other appart make a thread in current events and go about it in the way it has been done since the creation of that forum. With omnislashing and flames. :cop:

[Dibujante]

deleted

[Shackled Phoenix]

@weavern, you're absolutely right actually, this kinda arguement should not be in hanna's application. Therefore, cleaning up my previous post, and moving to Private general. Hopefully others, or a mod, will clean up the rest.

@hanna, my apologies for starting this in your thread, i lost my temper.

[Karmashock]

you look like your going to try and beat out Karmashock from his "longest average post" title
Please... I'm beyond competition.
=============================
Hanna,
Your contribution to the forum alone is worth reccing... but I'm not a DoW player so you'll have to rely on the many reccs already provided... not like you need any more... ;)

Amor et Pax, Karmashock.

[MVB]

Thanks to Ques and Dibs for editing out pointless flames of anyone in this thread. Laser, please remove your flames of random people on assumption their recs will be female-based ... or Bent, as this is obviously not the place for it.

[Bentusi]

Taken out *some* of laser's postings (if you feel the need to comment we have the privvies for it)

Took out Dib's Rec post. I'm sorry, my psyhic recievier isn't on atm, so I'm not getting your psyhic messages on why you think Hanna should be in Dib. Saying "reccomendation" doesn't cut it anymore.

[The Fell Hand]

I don't think you saw the pre-edit bent, I think dibs took out his reasons along with the rest of the post, and left the recc...I'll ask him to repost his thoughts.

[Blueviper]

wow, dudes if you have to comment on post length you are lame indeed



I dont think anyone gives a crap what you read or dont read. keep it to ur self.

[Flo]

I know Viper :hail:

Its a shame and it makes me sad that I constantly have to read these remarks of People that don't make any sense at all.
This is NOT the TLSC I used to know !! :boohoo:

[Hanna]

Thanks for the fun games last night, Blu. :)

I'm sorry about the Howling Banshees. :(

We'll have to try that again, but this time we'll try building some assault troops and see if that makes any difference.

Love,

Hanna

[Blueviper]

np Hanna...gotta forget about killing banshees without upgraded LP..

[Psy]

Please... I'm beyond competition.
=============================

Heh then you don't know Hanna's posting habbits yet - you are ohsowtfpwned for the title.

[edit]NO PSY. IF YOU WANT TO RECC PUT IN MORE INFORMATION ON WHY!!!

NO, NO REC FOR U[EDIT]

[Karmashock]

pifft... come get some... I THRIVE on a challege. :D

[Hanna]

np Hanna...gotta forget about killing banshees without upgraded LP..

Alla mine were upgraded, though! Alla'em! They didn't even phase the Banshees. :(

I think you were right, we need turrets *and* upgraded listening posts. And Assault Marines. And a couple of Dreadnaughts. And Orbital Strike. And a full-scale Exterminatus. And some Terminators. A *whole* lotta terminators.

Hi, Psy! Is the reason for my recommendation that I write longer posts than Karmashock? :D

Let us pool our resources together, Karmashock. We will strike fear into the MySQL team and make them update their codebase with special cheat codes 'n' stuff.

I go now to show goodwill in my posting of the short message.

Love,

Hanna

[ilia]

Actually gotta forget about klling banshes w/o either GL cultusts or snipers. Upgraded LPs are only a defensive solution - one that is unaccaptable in 1 vs 1. ;)

[Santiago]

mass CSM is all that is needed to take care of banshees...

but... what am I doing here? I'm not even in TLSC :O ... shame on me I so don't belong in this thread :nono:

PS: Long posts are good, worship long posts. Short flame posts is lameoho.

PPS: <3 Community mappack <3

[Hanna]

Thanks to Blu and Ninja for the fun fun fun games today! :)

Thank you, Ilia! That makes complete and perfect sense. :) Blu was be very pleased to hear. :)

PPS: <3 Community mappack <3
Rec for Santiago! Hehe. :)

(I'm kidding!)

Love,

Hanna

[Karmashock]

Is the reason for my recommendation that I write longer posts than Karmashock? :D

Let us pool our resources together, Karmashock. We will strike fear into the MySQL team and make them update their codebase with special cheat codes 'n'
woot... I pwn whole civilizations alone... so I could probably take on galactic empires with a partner... :-\ :)

[Frael]

this thread make no sence no more ^^ hehe

[Papa Smurf]

woot... I pwn whole civilizations alone... so I could probably take on galactic empires with a partner... :-\ :)

Who? you and your brown nosed boy (or was that eye) JAD lol You pwn no one child!

Thats a bit off topic, back at the farm, welcome Hanna, have fun, I do not play DoW mch any more, but if i see you round ill give you a shout. BTW ignore laser hes a bit of an idiot, i think his mother dropped him on his head as a child, and then she played football with him a bit, (he was the ball)

In conclusion: Have fun

My Dawn of War Name is: Crack Whore

[Dibujante]

Now that my college's gateway is back online, let me reiterate my recommendation.
Having played both with and against Hanna, I have found her to be a player possessed of good spirit, sound teamwork, a willingness to participate and a profound interest in Dawn of War. I believe that these are good characteristics for a member of the Dawn of War Division. I hereby, in sane body and sound mind, recommend Hanna.
Hope that's formal enough for you, Bentusi. Hanna, hope you get the other recs you need and hope to see you around.
Regards,
Dibujante

[Hanna]

Thank you Papa Smurf. I'll be hoping to see you online. :)

And thank you, Dibujante. You're a peach. :)

Love,

Hanna

[Shackled Phoenix]

Dibs? a peach? Dibs is a psychotic raving lunatic who's so insane he sometimes randomly stumbles upon gems of amazing insight such as the above recommendation.

Hehe, haven't played with hanna yet, but hung out with her for a bit in the lobby. Great person, and willing to deal with my randomness.

[Bentusi]

you should all rec like dib

[elliot/obee1]

i have a sister named hannah *shakes* her and my older one have tromatized me forever.

i have a hannah at home, skool, and now online. is hannah a popular name? (sry i dont know this)

edit: Hannah or Hanna

[Shackled Phoenix]

[edit] And bug me you shall! [/bentusiedit]

[Hanna]

I guess Hanna is a popular name. Maybe? I have only known three or four other Hanna's in my whole life. So, maybe you are just unlucky to know so many of us. ;)

Love,

Hanna(h)

(And actually Hanna is just my nickname. My full name is too hard to pronounce for people cause it is spelled one way and pronounced another, so I just use Hanna and everyone gets it right first time.)

---

Thank you Quesela, you're a banana. ;)

Love,

Hanna

[Chance]

Wow those post's hanna were...long meh u seemed nice on dow yesterday ill be [TLSC]Chance (im the aussi member :D)

[Hickory]

I've hung out chatting with Hanna and other TLSC members. I like her. I can't wait to play her maps. :oohoo: I played maybe one game with her, and she was on the other team. I think she was apologetic for some early game errors she felt like she made on her team, when we chatted after the game in the lobby. I thought that was cool. Oh ya, I played another game with her and Dibs. She helped defend me in Kayser, because I was getting ganged by a couple good players. I think Hanna's okay wit me. She has my recommendation! :up:

*edit* Oh, I just read the app sticky. Something about a week of solid gaming... I haven't had a week of solid gaming with anyone here. Everyone seems to like chatting in the lobby so much they don't play the game. lol It's good to chat and get to know the peeps. That's why I feel like I know Hanna! At least in an online kinda way. ;)

[TaiNteD]

I shall recc Hanna for many reasons, which I shall list all formalish so Bent doesn't get mad. :P
1. She is willing to learn at any expense. And she is a very fast learner. About a week ago, when I first met Hanna, she was only able to resource to all hell. Made me go 2 v 1 on my side in our 4 v 4. :D I still won but...that's not the point. Now she has improved 100 fold. Sure, shes still not the greatest, but TLSC doesn't ask you to be the greatest. That and I wouldn't doubt her micro's prolly' as good as mine. :noshen: <---I have no idea what that smilie atually means, but it's funny looking. :D )
2. She is a great person, she will talk to anyone, she is very nice, and shes dedicated to the community map pack, which leads me to believe that she will be just as dedicated to TLSC. She might not be ready for tournaments or anything big for that matter. But theres very few people that I would rather have at my side cherring me on. (Or at my side helping me cheer everyone on for that matter. :( ) It seems that everyone that she has met she has befriended. And everyone has their fair share of problems, whether past or current. I believe everyone deserves a chance despite what problems they have. Hell, if some guy came in here and was deaf, crippled, blind, and had to have a friend type for him, but he was a nice person. I'd rec him. Well...okay maybe that's pushing it but you get my point. :D And since I've come back (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU MUST DEAL WITH MY TEENAGE SHIT ONCE AGAIN!!!!) my recc counts. Kekekekekekeke. Well, hope that's enough of a reason for ya' Bent. :D
-Tainted

[Karmashock]

Who? you and your brown nosed boy (or was that eye) JAD lol You pwn no one child!
I don't ask for him to back me up, I don't think it helps my position when he does, and some times I wish he wouldn't....

The only people that thrive on the circle jerk are YOUR cronies. I can't count the number of times you pulled together with the SAME 3 or 4 people to try and filibuster me into silence.

It's never worked... but you were pathetic each and every time. *pats PS on the head*

Amor et Pax, Karmashock.

My Dawn of War Name is: Crack Whore

[Hanna]

Okay. I messed up and accidentally deleted my original post. So this is the shitty I-feel-like-shit-because-I-fucked-up-my-post-and-am-too-upset-at-my-stupid-idiotic-self second try. It's going to sound insincere but I mean it sincerely. I wish to the stars that you could have read what I originally wrote which I have since forgotten.

I am deeply deeply deeply sorry that I need to do this. I want to thank everyone for your support and the time you've spent reading all of this. It means a great deal to me.

I need to withdraw my application. Having done a lot of talking with certain people (if I didn't talk with you it's not because I don't value your opinion or because I don't like you) and even more soul searching it is best for all of us if I do not become a member of The Lone Star Command.

This does not mean that I want to sever relationships that I have made while here or not meet people I've yet to meet. Quite the opposite. By not being a member, it is more likely that we can be better friends without having to worry about me causing trouble within the group. When I do eventually have a breakdown, it will be outside of TLSC. The forums are a very very stressful place for me. This application has been very difficult for me to watch unfold.

Yet when playing online or talking with you on chat, I am having the time of my life. I want to continue along that vein. I want to continue with our acquaintances and form bonds with you, become friends. I don't think that a short stay here that ends in an eruption of the demons that haunt me is going to be productive in the friend-making process.

I don't contribute to the DoW division in any significant way other than my presence and I likely ask for more than I give. I just don't want there to be any hard feelings. This was a tremendously difficult decision for me to make. I shouldn't have applied in the first place, but I am very easily manipulated by peer pressure into doing what I think needs to be done to make other people happy and so many people expressed that it would make them happy if I applied.

I'm not happy, though. I made a mistake. I should not have applied. My very presence here has caused trouble withib TLSC and I am deeply sorry for that. It was never my intention to hurt TLSC in any way. I have tremendous respect for you all and for the organization you've created and kept alive and thriving for so long.

It is not a culture that I feel I would be happy in, though. At the end of the day, I need to protect myself.

I want so very much for us to remain friends and to continue to play games together. I hope you will continue to include me when you can. I was never going to be able to play in contests as Tainted points out as that's never been something I've aspired to do. What makes me happy is making and more importantly keeping friends.

I'm very sorry to have put everyone through all of this. I assure you that I will not at some future date re-apply. I have no desire to put everyone through all this again and wish there was some way I could make amends for having done so in the first place.

All I can offer you is my friendship, for whatever that's worth.

Thank you all again for your support and for spending time reading all of this. I'm terribly sorry this didn't work out, but I hope that we can continue to play together online as we have been.

Love,

Hanna

[Karmashock]

It is not a culture that I feel I would be happy in, though. At the end of the day, I need to protect myself.
I can't speak for the DoW division, but if there is something that bothers you, people can be informed of it.

It's obvious that there is something going on here that is a deal killer for you. However, you haven't told us what that is. I treat everyone in the command slightly differently. I think this is true of most members. Some people we give a lot of room. Some we joke with. Some we flame. It really comes down to what suits that individual.

I'm personally indestructible and thrive on a little controversy. That's just me. You can flame me or joke with me. Either works so long as you want to be treated the same in exchange.

So if you're going, nothing would be worse then you not telling us specifically what we did to push you off?

If it was the yelling in this thread, then don't take it too seriously. We have a lot of drama kings/queens in the command and they tend to get excited about nothing. Your application thread became a focus of attention for some reason. I don't really know why, but it's extremely uncommon.

If you state terms under which you would be comfortable in the command, then I think it's highly likely that those would be agreed upon and upheld.

At least tell us specifically why you're leaving.

Amor et Pax, Karmashock.

[Hanna]

I'm sorry, Karmashock. :(

Maybe if I wouldn't have accidentally deleted what I originally wrote it would have been better explained. Or maybe not. Sometimes I don't express myself very well which is why I write such long things because I hope that eventually a word or three will be strung together accidentally that actually means what I feel.

I really have no reason to want to try to change the leadership of TLSC. I have no right to ask that it be changed on account of me. Even if I weren't a special case, I don't think I would feel entitled to ask that.

I wanted to go out without controversy. I still want to go out without controversy. I didn't want to come in with controversy. I just don't want there to be controversy is what I'm saying.

But obviously there is. And a lot of it. Not just this thread, but the thread in the private forums. All for little ol' me? I so do not want that kind of attention. I just want to play games, not have to feel alone when I join the GameSpy lobby in Dawn of War, have a few close friends that I can count on, help people out when I can.

Forums and I don't get along together. It doesn't even have to be a thread about me. I can get just as freaked out by a thread that is about someone else. Last thing you want is for me to get all self-righteous and come to someone's defense who you have an agreement with that you can flame away at them. But I'll do that. Someday. Eventually. It always happens.

Yes, I think this thread was handled in an almost abusive manner. But that's not my concern. That's TLSC's concern. I'm an outsider. I can't change TLSC. You don't want me to suggest what I require of forums because that would silence pretty much everyone who posts in them. I am not going to say what I think of the leadership because all I know is Fell and I think Fell has done an amazing job. He couldn't protect me from this, but he also didn't say it was in his power to do so. He said he'd try and he did. I can ask nothing more from a leader or any person.

I never got around to saying it, but I love the Bebop theme you got going on. :)

I'm sorry that I won't be more forthcoming about the issues that I have. It's just that I don't think it would do any good and if it did it change TLSC into something that nobody would recognize. So, you really don't want me to do that. It's just a waste of what could be a really nice happy parting, except it's not a parting because I was never "in" and because here I am, practically begging for everyone to still play online with me and still a Forumite where I would like to help out people with Neverwinter Nights or Dawn of War issues, but I don't want to get involved with the politics of TLSC. I'd like to leave (er, not have entered?) in the good graces of the hosts.

Please don't make me do it.

Love,

Hanna

[The Fell Hand]

Agreed with Hanna. As you won't ever see her in forums really, there's no reason to prod her anymore for answers. For those of us who's everyday is affected, namely those in the DoW div, we'll see her online anyways. Were she actually made a TLSC member, perhaps politely inquiring wouldn't be out of line, but I think she's made herself clear in that she has her reasons for not 'joining' TLSC. And having spoken with her I'm inclined to agree with her reasonings. As for how this app was treated, i'm not sure much can be done, if anything need be anyways. I'll think about that when I've the time. I know we'll all still see you around, and be sure that TLSC will always be there in the lobby.

Done is done, and really this thread got enough exterior input as it is.

Have a nice day.

[laserflip]

everyone should give up on this division shit with me. its silly and encourages all the politics crap. just drop the divisions and play the game the way TLSC was meant to be.

[Bentusi]

purpose of the thread is gone.

*click*